Some limits have little to do with providing protection or guidance but instead set standards of behavior that suit our style.
Depending on a parent's personality, anything from cleanliness to privacy may feel important. For instance, if you value neatness, you might insist your child eat only in the kitchen; if you favor formality at your house, you might establish a rule about calling grown-ups by their last name.
It helps to remember that such expectations are really a matter of taste. While there's nothing wrong with asking certain things of your child and hoping he'll comply, these desires aren't usually worth a major fight. They tend to be more about pleasing you rather than guiding your child. So why call him on the carpet if he puts his toys in the wrong bin or wants to wear his superhero cape every day?
Kids need some room to be different from their parents, so take the long view and give it to them. Otherwise, you may find yourself embroiled in clashes all the time. If you're holding your own on the core rules, chances are your child won't go haywire if you allow him to make his own decisions about matters based on personal preference. The payoff: As he gets older, he'll probably decide that he wants to be a lot like you after all.
Drawing a line and taking action when it's crossed is one of your toughest jobs. Remember, though, the rules you make are your decision — discipline
boils down to doing what works for you and, ultimately, your child. The one
thing I've found to be true when it comes to setting limits is that the clearer you are about the expectations you have for your kids — both in the family and in the world — the less time you'll spend battling it out in the end.
Bonnie Maslin is a psychologist and mother of four. This article is excerpted from Picking Your Battles: Winning Strategies for Raising Well-Behaved Kids.
Disciplining as a team
You can't protect and guide your child if you're spending all your energy fighting with your partner over where to draw the line. To keep the peace between you:
Agree on the rules. You can avoid a battle by planning in advance. For instance, work out how you'll deal with midnight visits to your bedroom before your toddler moves into her big-kid bed.
Don't argue about limits in front of your child. It undoes the very thing you're trying to achieve: letting her know that there's no wiggle room when it comes to certain rules. Resolve your differences in private.
Don't put down your spouse. Avoid criticizing and belittling each other in front of your child. And watch your body language too: Rolling your eyes will undermine both of you.
Don't be ambushed. Kids like to get their way — that's why your little one will wait until the last minute, or when Dad's not around, to beg you to break a rule. Tell her, "Dad isn't home, so we'll talk about this later."
Agree to disagree. You don't have to be a clone of your mate, but you don't want your differences to turn into power struggles, either. If the two of you don't see eye-to-eye, you can always tell your child, "Dad and I need to decide how to handle this. We'll discuss it soon and get back to you."
Give in once in a while. If your partner feels strongly about a particular issue, and it doesn't harm anything or anyone, why not respect his wishes? Ask him to reciprocate when you want to set a rule that matters
to you.
