Ask Dr. Maslin

Have a question for Dr. Maslin on parenting practices? Write to questions@pickingyourbattles.com.

Dear Dr. Maslin,
This summer I noticed that my child couldn't stand to be squirted with the hose while her friend really loved it. My daughter cried while her friend wanted more. What's this all about? I always thought that getting sprayed with the garden hose was a fun summer ritual.

Dr. Maslin responds:

Kids come in all different sizes, shapes, colors, AND temperaments. Some are quick to warm up other slow to warm up, for example. Some seem oblivious to stimuli, others very sensitive. One might feel the scratch of a tag on a shirt while another might not even notice if they have one on their back! One child might feel comfortable splashing around in the water another might feel more tentative about getting wet and feeling cold water on her body. (I was that sort of kid and it still takes me 15 minutes in the dead of summer to make my way into a cold pool, while my younger brother used to dive into the sea in early summer like a happy polar bear into the Arctic Ocean.)

All human critters have personality styles, a particular way of approaching the world. It does not make one good or another bad - just different.

Knowing a child's temperament can make it easier to manage as a parent and reduce tension. You would be happily surprised about how this information can make your life with your little one much easier. As a parent, you can adjust your expectations accordingly and respond to your child's style; For example, giving the slow to warm-up kid more time to get adjusted to new settings and situations. Perhaps a kiddie pool with warm water would be more suited to your child's temperament. In this way, she could get used to the water on her terms, at her pace, rather than being doused by a torrent of cold water. Let her be in charge of getting wet, not another person holding a hose. These small but sensitive adjustments can make for more fun in the sun. Try it next year. And by the pool now since it's on sale at the summer clearance!

Sincerely,

Dr. Maslin

Dear Dr. Maslin,
My daughter is starting to complain about going to her new school. She is quite a good student so I don't know what this could be about? She had all "As" in her last school. What's going on?

Dr. Maslin responds:

The three Rs - Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmatic - are the well-known building blocks of providing kids with a good education. But there is a fourth "R" that is key to helping kids feel successful in school: Relationships! One of the single most significant factors in having a happy and well-adjusted child at school is how they manage socially. Since it is not academics that seems to be a problem, perhaps it is her social adjustment that is giving her trouble, especially as she may be the new kid on the block.

Arriving at a new school starts to get more difficult once kids are in fourth grade. By this age/stage kids develop self-awareness and this makes them self-conscious, self-critical, and competitive. They start to notice how they do or don't fit in, what is cool or not - in other words they become very aware of their peer group. With this level of self-consciousness ratcheted up coming into a new, pre-exiting group is very hard for kids. With this awareness that your child may be bumping up against acute but entirely age appropriate self-consciousness try to give her a big hand over this hump. Here is one suggestion:

Mirror her complaints: When your child complains don't act on the natural impulse to say, "Come on you're a great kid in a terrific new school, so what do you have to complain about. One of the reasons we moved to this town was because the school system is so good." While well intended this is not reassuring to your child. Trying to convince a child that she should not feel the way she feels or that she is being unreasonable or ungrateful unwittingly disconnects from her emotionally. Just when she needs you, she will feel as if you don't "get her." Instead, try this; just mirror her complaints. When she says, "My teacher doesn't like me and neither do the kids." Reflect her sentiments repeating back the very same words she has used to describe the emotional state she is in; "I can see that you feel un-liked by your teacher and the kids in your class." To this emotional echoing, also add your empathetic response. "It's tough to come to a new school and not feel liked."

This reaction, mirroring and empathy, does not endorse your child's feelings as truth - you are not agreeing in fact that the teacher or kids hate her- it just endorses that this is the way she truly feels, at the moment. This response will open your child up rather than close her down. It will help you get to the bottom of her social problems. Often lending your emotional support in this way eases the transition into a new setting.

Also bear this in mind: Your child does appreciate you and all the efforts you have made to make her life better. For now just give her your shoulder to lean on and then for sure when she has made the adjustment to her new school, you will hear her thanks for all you have done, for sure!

What I have described above is only one facet of social issues and school. In Picking Your Battles you will find more information on these sorts of parenting challenges, which can take you further along the road to peaceful parenting.

Sincerely,

Dr. Maslin

A Note to All Parents: If you ever hear anything that leads you to feel that your child is actually being bullied contact the school immediately. Bullying is a very serious problem and parents must intervene and get help.

To the Reader: These questions are adapted from queries that I have received from the public. This site is educational only and I do not answer personal questions.

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